My Phone Rewards Me for Waking Up. With Carpel Tunnel.

The App Store is a dangerous place. You can accidentally click on the icon on your iPhone or iPad, and be caught in a web of random, ridiculous and down-right awesome for hours. I’m sure there is a support group out there somewhere, some Apps Anon or a 12-step programme of some description to buck the app addiction.

I recently went into the App Store looking for something in particular, and much like its brick and mortar cousins, I exited the Store with something completely different from what I went inside for. It doesn’t help that there are FREE Apps. I mean food samples you can sort of detour away from, especially if they look like dodgy replicas of food. You can do a similar ‘aisle step’ with the free apps just from their logos or names.

Then there are those times where you just have to test Fate and try a “Fauxsage”. Damn the consequences! Because it is free.

And so began my relationship with “Wake N Shake”.

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Should you be part of the Android family, or not yet be familiar with Wake N Shake allow me to explain with a direct quote from the “details” section:

Waking up is now a game you play with friends. Wake N Shake Alarm Clock wakes you up by forcing you to shake the iPhone like crazy to shut off the alarm. No Mercy. Compete with friends! Earn points. Conquer achievements. Become the wake up king or queen of the week.

I knew the second I tapped “install” I was tempting Fate. This wasn’t going to end well. Hell, it didn’t start well.

There’s no room for confusion with this thing. I opened the App and was met with a jack hammer vibration and the only solution offered in red LED typeface: SHAKE UNTIL THE METER IS FULL.

Okay but I only wanted to see what-

SHAKE UNTIL THE METER IS FULL!

So I did. And it’s not a simple flickity-flick shake and done. You’re shaking up a Cosmopolitan. Skipping across the thin line of waking up or going blind.

But the Wake N Shake doesn’t end with a whole lotta shaking. Nope. It gets better. I decided to try out what the alarm does.

Setting the alarm is pretty simple – whilst you can only do 5-minute increments for the minutes (tough luck if you want to get up at 06:31) setting a daily alarm, or a multitude of alarms for different days is painless. The only painless concept of the entire app.

Because when that alarm goes off, it doesn’t just end with shaking the Bejesus out of it. It talks.

It. Talks.

At full volume. And you can’t turn it off. Or down. Or mute.

Even if your phone is muted, Wake N Shake finds a voice. And not just any voice, or even Siri’s voice, but a robotic androgynous vibrato that won’t shut up until you shake that damn meter full.

Sleepy time...

Shake me full!

In case you forget what to do to shut the alarm off, it tells you politely before waxing poetic about pancakes. And French Toast – apparently your iPhone (as that is who is talking to you now) likes French Toast.

For five minutes, my iPhone instructed me to shake it to shut up, talked about pancakes, asked for French toast, called me sleepyface, told me to make coffee, pancakes, and said French toast, which it really wanted to be fed.

In fact my iPhone seemed to be only really interested in being fed French toast.

Were the subliminal messages about toast and pancakes not enough to entice me to wakey wakey, the fine developers of the app have included the competitive spirit into getting out of bed.

Because removing oneself from the warmth and comfort of their duvet cocoons is an achievement worth celebrating. And like every app out there, what better way to celebrate than make sure every one of your Facebook friends knows about it – and- can race you to waking up on a leaderboard.

Encouraging your Facebook entourage is not only suggested, it is the only way to operate any of the achievement or leaderboard features. Unfortunately for the developers of “Wake N Shake” people are more competitive about the sleep they get, then when they get out of bed.

Whilst the concept of “Wake N Shake” is good in theory, the insistant yabbering of a mechanical French toast addict is its ultimate downfall.

I also do not recommend using an iPhone without a cover as you could end up shaking that phone right out of existance. Proving that no matter the advances of technology, we will still find a way to silence alarm clocks against walls.

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